Tuesday, March 06, 2007

First and foremost, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the kind messages of love and support. These past few days I have been avoiding my computer, but I finally dared to read my e-mail and your comments and was very touched.

When Chloe was diagnosed with cancer last fall, I couldn't possibly imagine life without her. I also had no idea that we would have another 5 months with her or that I would be able to let go when the time came. My worst fear was that in "the end", I wouldn't have the strength to make the decision to have her put to sleep if necessary. I imagined that she would be afraid and that I would be in hysterics. I thought that I would feel like I was murdering her. None of those things happened. We have known for a few weeks that the time was coming when she no longer had good days or even good moments, and that we would probably be faced with making "a decision". The snowstorm on Friday brought an unexpected gift: a snow day from work and one more day with the three of us together. She enjoyed so many of her favorite things: two trips to the porch to view the snow, a bowl of tuna juice, lots of treats, down time in her "cave" on the bed (built from the duvet with the help of a shoebox), and time spent with both of her "peeps" at home.

I wont say that it was easy to make the decision to have her put to sleep the next day (what a strange but appropriate euphemism), but Mr. Strange and I both knew that it was the right thing to do when it took so much energy for her to breathe that drinking wasn't even possible. I know that some people believe that their pets know when they are going for that last visit to the vet, and maybe there is something to that. All I know is that she was very relaxed and peaceful and not at all anxious and that she was surrounded by love. If anything, I think that she trusted us completely to do the right thing by her, and we believe that we did. Not just on that last day, but from the moment we decided to make her comfort and happiness a priority in our life.

For the first time in days, instead of feeling like I've been hit by a bus, I feel full of peace and love and memories of her sweet little self. I also feel like I can look to the future without fear and worry.

Since her diagnosis, every time I started something new, I wondered "Will this be the last thing I knit with her?" Now I know:

Central Park Hoodie is done. I finished seaming it the day after she died, and for the first time, instead of pulling her hairs out of my knitting, I wove them in the seams. Whenever I wear this sweater, a tiny bit of her will add to my warmth.
What can I say about this sweater that everyone else hasn't said already? It's perfect and I love it. I shortened the sleeves by one inch and they are still too long, but I don't mind. The buttons are from JoAnn fabrics.
The candle on my mantle is a fig scented one sent to me by my Secret Pal Kirby. I haven't been able to burn it until now because Chloe had asthma, and I love the scent.
Speaking of dear friends, tonight my friend Cathryn gave me this little Love Creature named Posey the Elephant. Mr. Strange was feeling a bit artistic this evening. Despite the upheaval inside the house, we are still on even ground.
She is so bright and cheery that she makes me smile whenever I look at her. I feel so blessed.
In an attempt to surround myself with bright and cheery things, I bought some fabric at Portsmouth Fabric Company on Sunday in anticipation of my Flower Power Getaway Weekend coming up at the end of the month. I also started Ariann. I'm not completely convinced that this is the right yarn (Cascade 220). It seems a bit thin, but I'm going to work some rows in lace before I make up my mind. I had to go up a needle size to get gauge, and I think tighter stitches would look better.

Life, it seems, goes on. I'm so glad I knit.

3 comments:

Loriticajane said...

I am so sorry for your loss. It's amazing how such a small little animal can bring so much to our lives. I think in the end Chloe knew and trusted that you were doing what was best for her. It still doesn't make it easy but she will always be in your heart. =) My thoughts are with you.

Lisa said...

I'm so sorry. She was a beautiful kitty. Pets are so important, but at least you know she doesn't have to suffer anymore. Big hugs!

Your cardi looks great! I wish I could find that magazine somewhere. I would love to make that sweater too.

terry said...

My prayers are with you. It's never easy to say goodbye, especially to a beloved pet. But putting them to sleep when the end comes is the last gift of love that you can give them and if you are there with them they know that they are loved and go on. I hope you knit up a storm. Knitting has gotten me through many heartaches lately. Knit on and love on.